The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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