dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
