You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
