woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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