I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
