True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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