i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
