"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
