The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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