My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
