I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
