Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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