If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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