So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
