I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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