we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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