i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
A bitchslap is in order.
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