Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
where are my eyebrows?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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