Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right