so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
