someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
