Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
