For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
