I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
