pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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