Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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