apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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