guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
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