i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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