Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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