I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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