my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
