These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
