I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
