I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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