ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
