Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
