y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
