In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
