I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
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Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
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I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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