Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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