all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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