I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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