So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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