Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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