When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
