last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
