I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
