he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
