I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I need to sanitize my soul.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
