Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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