My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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