well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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