The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
