i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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