I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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