Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.