Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
